Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Earnestness required

Response to 3WW, the words were Earnest, Layer and Reactive:
Earnestness
in relationship
is all i demanded

i did not want
moon or the sparkling stars
i did not ask for
diamond or the luxury cars

your poems were lovely
your talks were sweet
but hidden in those
a plethora of cheat

now i understand you and your love
now your fakeness is unlayered
standing naked with the torn shame
you can't even ask to be spared

You tell me
not to be hyperactive
You tell me
not to be reactive

Don't suggest anything
or act overtly smart
Just leave my shattered body
with the bleeding heart

In our relationship
i saw the gleaming
i should be punished
for all the dreaming

This love should
have been crushed
in the bud
and my heart should
have been stopped
with a thud
.
.
Also my first Haiku, a japanese form of poetry with 5-7-5 pattern of unrhyming syllables and hidden meanings -
Remove the outer covering layer
to unveil earnest truth behind your hatred
relationships are reactive for sure
--sudharm baxi

17 comments:

ThomG said...

The first poem is sad, yet powerful an interesting read.

One note about the haiku - the first line should be five syllables, the second line seven syllables, returning to five syllables for the third line. You are a little long on each.

SweetTalkingGuy.. said...

Nice thoughts, love the way you rhymed the stanza's sweet - cheat, gleaming - dreaming and should - bud - thud!

Amarettogirl said...

Thanks to Thomg up there for teaching is - I want to try to learn the art of haiku's too and that quick lesson was priceless! Now on to your phenomenal rythmic, rhyming, poignant and stake through the heart poem - what a wonderful job! Using the words very eloquently to shed light on the fact that we are constantly affected in relationships by people who are in truth left naked, but in everyday fiction are boistering liars. Great job.

anthonynorth said...

Some powerful yet beautiful words there.

Tumblewords: said...

Powerful emotion courses through these words...nicely done.

pjd said...

The first one seems like it should be set to music. It seems like a song lyric to me, a good one.

sudharm baxi said...

@ThomG,

Point taken, i thought it should be five words instead..thanks

@sweet talkin..,
@pjd,

thanks, rhyming is certainly important..

sudharm baxi said...

@Amarettogirl,

So true, and thanks for the kind words.

@anthony,
@tumblewords,

Your appreciation really matter, would try better every next time...

thanks..

Fledgling Poet said...

You expressed the feelings of heartbreak perfectly...I loved your first haiku, also!

sudharm baxi said...

@Fledgling poet,

thank you ..

Angel said...

Very emotional reads.

sudharm baxi said...

Hey Angel,
thanks..

gautami tripathy said...

A hurting relationship well depicted here!

A Climb Through Altered Landscapes

susan said...

Oh, I don't miss heartbreak and I had plenty. Could feel this. Thanks for the read.

sudharm baxi said...

@susan,
@Gautami,

Thanks a lot..

Brosreview said...

AH, this is quite strong. And, yea I agree with the rules you have breached for a Haiku.

But, I am reading this as a poem alone, okay. And, that makes it just right. You could change this line, "with the bleeding heart" to with my bleeding heart. It intensifies the whole piece. But, that's up to you.

Good going!!! I shall follow from now on.

sudharm baxi said...

Thanks a lot Ajey!!

Your comments are true to heart and worth giving a thought..